scarred

You made everything all right when it clearly isn’t. #TheMercifulScar

I just finished reading the book, The Merciful Scar by Rebecca St. James & Nancy Rue. (I will be quoting from each chapter for the next three weeks as inspiration for my blog posts for the rest of April)

It stirred up memories within me in would have rather stayed hidden.

God had a different plan.

When I was a teen, I dabbled in self injury as a way of coping with my inner stresses. I used sewing needles to poke myself to let the turmoil below the skin out.  Not often, but often enough. I also scratched & irritated my already hormonal skin.

When Christ found me, He showed me a different way:

Come to me,  all you who are weary and heavy laden, and you will find rest.”

I saw clearly that this habit was not one I was to practice any longer. And that all it did was scar me in the long run.

I turned to overeating when I failed to uproot the weed of self hatred & anger that is at the bottom of self injury.

I got a mini trio of tattoos to alleviate a crisis point when I hit 40.

It could have come back full force without God’s intervention.

God in His mercy set me free from this bondage a few weeks ago.

I am still trying to find my way to a new normal where I speak up for myself, choose healthy self care, and soak regularly in God’s love for me.

You see, God gets me.

He understands the impact of a scar.

I am no longer hiding my hurts away from God in a desperate attempt to control my own pain.

I turn my hurt, pain and angst over to  God, asking for His clarity, comfort and close guidance now.

I know full well the lies we can believe when we try to be god in our own lives and try to control everything.

There is a sweet release for me with words on paper, words out loud and music again.

I may have scars, but I now wear them with grace.